How Our Anger Management Techniques Relate to Signs of Depression Part 3
I want to tell you about a secret today, a secret behind anger.
We all like secrets, I know I do, especially good ones that help me!
What’s the real secret behind anger? That’s what I want to talk about today. The TOP secret for anger management techniques.
Here is the secret, all anger is an unmet, unrealistic expectation!
When you are depressed or timid, you often hold in your anger and/or deny you have needs and expectations.
Wow, what does that mean? It means that something didn’t happen that we expected and now we’re angry about it.
I will give you an example- I was counseling with a man on his anger and he told me he got angry at his wife the night before. And so I asked him what his expectation was. He wasn’t quite sure. So I asked him what happened.He told me his wife had to run to the store on their way home from work, they were driving home together. And she just needed to pick up a couple things. She called her husband while standing in line and she said there’s a long line. It will take longer than she expected.
He blew up at her.
And so we explored, well what did he want to do when he got home. He said he wanted to mow the yard.
So his expectation was that he would be able to get home at a certain time and mow the yard and that wasn’t happening.
So if he would have identified his expectation earlier, he might have negotiated with her, when she wanted to go to the grocery store, “Hey why don’t you go to the store, I’ll mow the yard,and we can have dinner a little later.” He could have said that, if he would have identified his expectation early.
But since he hadn’t done that, he needs to now renegotiate with himself. She has no control over the grocery line. But he has control over his expectations. So he needed to renegotiate- Either he mows the yard later that night or he does it a different day. And make with peace with that! This is more workable, because he could not change what has already happened.
- So, when you identify your expectations, you just renegotiate with another person, or yourself or let it go. Any way you choose, you will be happier.
So invite each and every one of you, when you start to get angry, Ask yourself “What am I expecting?”
Are you expecting someone to know what you want without asking for it?
Are you expecting the weather to be different when you can’t control the weather?
What are you really expecting? And then, either let it go or renegotiate with yourself or your partner about meeting your needs.
I hope this helps. I know it helped me greatly and I wish you much happiness in getting your needs met.
So next time, I write to you about calming down techniques.
A great thing to do that goes beyond expectations is to take the 21 Day “I AM a Gift to the World!” Challenge.
To Your Highest Good,
Laura Meehan, MA
Integrative Counselor and Coach
Founder and Liberator of Allowyourlightoshine.com